Jokes

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Guy is in a library and sees a beautiful girl studying alone. He decides to go talk to her and asks her what she is studying?
She replies that she is writing a paper on the penis.
He asks her what on earth she could be learning that would fill a whole paper.
She says there are all kinds of interesting facts, she said she read that Indians have long and skinny penises while Mexicans have shorter ones with more girth.
She asks, what's your name anyway?
He says.......Tonto Rodriguez.
 
Guy and a monkey walk into the bar. They sit down and the guy orders two shots does one, gives one to the monkey. The guy and bartender are talking and while this is happening the monkey goes over to the pool table and eats the chalk, the bartender says, hey your monkey ate the chalk, arent you worried? The guy says no, he will eat about anything.
Five minutes later, a customer comes over to the bar to tell tje bartender the monkey ate the cue ball. The guy tells the bartender, dont worry, i wil pay for it. Again, he will eat about anything.

Two weeks later the guy and monkey come back in the same bar and the monkey grabs a peanut and sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it and then gets a liquor soaked cherry, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it....the bartender says, hey man what gives with the monkey shoving things in his ass and then eating them?
The guy says ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first now!
 
Halfpint said:
Guy and a monkey walk into the bar. They sit down and the guy orders two shots does one, gives one to the monkey. The guy and bartender are talking and while this is happening the monkey goes over to the pool table and eats the chalk, the bartender says, hey your monkey ate the chalk, arent you worried? The guy says no, he will eat about anything.
Five minutes later, a customer comes over to the bar to tell tje bartender the monkey ate the cue ball. The guy tells the bartender, dont worry, i wil pay for it. Again, he will eat about anything.

Two weeks later the guy and monkey come back in the same bar and the monkey grabs a peanut and sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it and then gets a liquor soaked cherry, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it....the bartender says, hey man what gives with the monkey shoving things in his ass and then eating them?
The guy says ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first now!
Click to expand...

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
 
An ambitious young blond in need of money decided to hire herself out as a handyman type. She began door to door canvassing in a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. " Well you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blond said $50. The man agreed and told her the paint and supplies she needed were in the garage. A short time later the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" He asked
"Yes" the blond answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed the man reached in his pocket for the $50
"And by the way," the blond added,"that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari "
 
Little boy comes home from school and asks his dad. Dad, Dad what's the difference between a pussy and a Kunt? Well son, dad replies, wait till tonight and I'll show you. Later on that evening little boy runs into dad's workshop. Are you ready Dad! Yes son dad replies, they both go upstairs and dad pushes open the bed room door. There's mom sleeping spread eagle on the bed. Dad says, you see son that furry patch between your moms legs, Son, that's called a Pussy. Little boys cries out Oh! WOW dad can I touch it, No son dad replies You'll wake up the Kunt.
 
Mike is on an airplane and is ready to land, so the captain begins his speech to the passengers. After making his speech you hear the captain who invariantly left the mike on, say to someone, Oh Man what a ride! When we land the first thing I'm going to do is get me a jumbo coffee and a blow job. Hearing this the airline steward runs up the aisleway toward the cockpit to warn the captain . As she passes Mike, he yells out, HUN! you forgot the coffee!
 
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down."How many sales did you make today?"The kid says, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"Kid says, "$101,237.64."Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
 
Today is my last day at work . Project is finished & I’m on vacation until 1/6/25 . Leaving the project manager to wrap up all the paperwork .
 
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